Sunday, July 13, 2008

Meditation, Sunday

Awhile back, a good friend of the Matron's complained, like this: "I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting for my hair to grow longer, the kids to get older, the income grow bigger. Just waiting."

The Matron loved that image - one's life on hold for the tedious time that hair takes to grow!

And that's how she's been feeling lately. Waiting for the shoe to drop, the ship to come in, the five-year old to wipe his own butt, the winning ticket, the book deal -- Heather Armstrong to drop a comment on her blog! In sum, she's felt she's chasing The Big Stuff (whatever that is) and never catching up.

However, being the commonsensical sort, the Matron understands that the shoe may never drop. Book deal? Well, maybe. Okay, Merrick better damn well wipe his own butt in his lifetime, but other than that -- who knows! She may be peaking, as she types. As good as it gets, right now. Uh oh. That would annoy her!

Hoping to shake Desire and embrace the moment, the Matron attended today's Dharma talk at Clouds in the Water Zen Center, the sangha she and her family frequent (okay, she was the Catholic girl who showed up only at Easter and Christmas and remains one of those Buddhist congregants, appearing on Buddha's birthday or when she's in theological trouble, like now).

Today's topic? Happiness.

The Senior Priest asked this: "What are the conditions you require for happiness? The things, tangible or intangible, that you need? How can you better recognize them? How do you attend to their presence or absence in your life?" The Priest encouraged everyone to be quite specific: can you be happy if you haven't slept? If you're hungry? And so on. She also asked the participants discuss what eluded them: if happiness requires a relationship and you're single, what does that mean?

The Matron, along with everyone else, was forced off her lovely isolationish meditation cushion and required to partake in the dreaded Small Group. This annoyed her, as she had expected the Senior Priest to toss a few pearls of wisdom in her direction, clear up the Desire/can't-live-in-the-moment-problem, and let the Matron sit there and do nothing as her role in this healing transaction.

Instead, as instructed, she told the two men in her group all about the conditions of her happiness, and sometimes, lack thereof.

  • Health
  • Adequate money
  • Order in her household (ha-ha, ha-ha-ha!) This one was complicated, as she suffers from Incurable Clutter Brain Suck and lives with three small children.
  • Enough sleep and food
  • Health and well-being for her husband and children
  • Adulation
  • Meaningful work -- as in writing and teaching.
That's right -- adulation. And she explained that -- now, please, she is NOT proud of this but saying it anyway, because that's sort of her whole internal ecosystem -- she is happiest when people are reading her writing and saying: "Hey, I like that!" OR "Oh, I took away something important from what you wrote." Or, she liked it when people recognized her political work: "Don't I know your name somewhere?" Or someone said: "Aren't you the person organizing X, Y and Z?" Etcetera.

So, the Matron sort of summed up, in front of these lovely middle-aged men, that the things that would make her HAPPIEST were largely externally-driven and required the approval of others. Whether it was writing or political activism or any other arena in which the Matron gets to be the Center of Attention -- well! That makes this egomaniac happy!! She explained that she knew this to be problematic, but well . . . that's the way the Matronly cookie crumbled and she just couldn't help it.

The man next to her took his turn. He took off his glasses, wiped his eyes and said this: "It's been six weeks since my wife died. Every day, I hold a small memorial service for her in our bedroom. Just me, alone. Around 6:30 am, I light a candle and look at her picture. Sometimes I read the last book she was reading. I pray for her, and for our daughter, who just turned 12. I don't know what happiness means anymore. My wife died within four months of finding out she had cancer -- all pain. So I'm sort of at ground zero. You know, we all die. All this - this room, the pillows, the walls, the memories -- will be gone some day. And nobody will remember it. Oh, they might for a decade of even five decades, but considering eternity? That's tough. We can't even remember all of our Presidents. Who will remember my wife?"

Then he cried a little bit.

While the Matron wept.

To insure the Matron's hairshirt fit neatly, the Senior Priest ended the Dharma talk by saying this: "When I first did this meditation, I had a long list of things I needed to be happy, like sleep and food and love. But after revisiting the list, I realized I needed only two things. I went through all circumstances in my mind: illness, pain, poverty, great suffering, facing death. And yes, I need these two things. First, I need gratitude for all that I have in my life that is already making me happy. Coffee! Each meal! My son! Second, I need generosity to help others in their own search for a contented and meaningful life. There's really nothing else."

The Priest encouraged everyone to ask other people to do this meditation, so the Matron asks you -- on your blog or in your heart or here -- what do you really need to be happy? How do you manage the conditions that evade?

And she learned today -- that whole thing about how the Matronly cookie crumbled? Center of attention and all that and she just couldn't help it? Living in the moment is sort of beyond her means?

Not true. She just needed a tiny realignment.

Friends, here's to the moments that make up your one wild and precious life. May you savor and appreciate each and every one of them, even the rough ones.

15 comments:

Ari_1965 said...

Okay, this has nothing to do with your post and is all about me. I know I'm being rude here. Me, me, me. But I hope you will forgive me when you remember how long I've been out of work. Will you give me your opinion regarding the following question which I posted at my blog but no one's answered yet?:

I have an interview this week for a director of marketing position at a local community college. It’s going to be 94 degrees with the dewpoint in the 70s--in other words, it will be hot and humid like the tropics that day. Do you think I would be shooting myself in the foot if I wore a pair of dressy black trousers with my blazer instead of pantyhose and a skirt?

Pantyhose is so all-fired hot. Plus, for plus-size reasons, I have to wear a pair of ballet shorts over my pantyhose, so I will be extra hot.

Do you think I dare wear trousers to an interview?

Anonymous said...

Matron -- I just want peace in my life. Healthy children, spouse, and me. No stress at work. No fighting relatives. A modicum of order in my house. That's about it.

Ari 1965 -- Wear the pants. I haven't worn dresses or skirts to work or for an interview since the mid-1990s.

Minnesota Matron said...

Ari - pants. More on your blog. It's all about being YOURSELF.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm no Heather Armstrong, but I'll always be around commenting on your blog. If that helps any.

I'm getting this 'in the moment' thing going. I feel...better, lighter, hopeful.

Poor man.

Anonymous said...

What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday,
and present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: our life is the creation of our mind.

Buddha.

....for me, it would be family and health...my Buddhist friend P tries to keep me on the straight and narrow!

Suburban Correspondent said...

gratitude is a biggie - as St. Paul says, give thanks in all things...

So now I am going to go curl up in my armchair and give thanks for orange juice, and ibuprofen, and sore throats, and headaches. Because that's the sort of day I'm having...

Angie said...

Oh. My stomach dropped after reading what the man said. How awful. Talk about getting perspective.

For me? God, I don't know. All the normal stuff. Peace, health, love, security.

I'm sure until you are in a similar situation to that man, you don't really know. Kind of the "you don't know what you have until it's gone" type thing, huh?

Great post. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

"the five-year old to wipe his own butt" I'm with you there, sister.

Julie said...

I love this post. Small group activities make my brain hurt. All I need/want is health and happiness for me, husband, and children. With Sid away training for the next few months, a dash of peace at being the head of the household would be a nice addition.

Anonymous said...

I cannot believe I"m going to write this, but your post was better for me today than church was yesterday.
That said, I require gratitude and forgiveness. Which I have, but need to be reminded of.

Your honesty absolutely inspires me, Matron.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Nothing like a little realignment of your priorities to shake things up.

I do practice gratitude every day, but that adulation thing is definitely on my list.

Jennifer S said...

Did you find yourself wishing that man had spoken first? Talk about perspective.

Health, enough food,and enough money to keep the lights on are big on my happiness register. Good books help, and so does reading the words of other writers. Like you.

Heather said...

I think a lot of us live like that...I'll be happy when...

I try to adjust my thinking periodically to remember to be happy NOW. Since, as that man said, you don't know if you'll have tomorrow to be happy.

Erin said...

Loved this post. I am still thinking about the question...

JessTrev said...

Oh, I struggle with the holding pattern.

Gratitude and generosity, such a lovely and concise aspiration for me. I might think about attending that center once or twice more a year for nuggets like that....

I'm with Cheri.