Thursday, July 24, 2008

Somebody Needs a Twelve Step Program



The first step is acknowledging you are powerless. Nobody said this was going to be easy. But the Matron sees all the signs!

She gasped, reading the symptoms of Substance Abuse:

  • Seclusive behavior--long periods spent in self-imposed isolation
  • Long, unexplained absences
  • Lying and stealing
  • Involvement on the wrong side of the law
  • Deteriorating family relationships.
  • Obvious intoxication, delirious, incoherent or unconscious
  • Changes in behavior and attitude
  • Decreased school or work performance

Seclusion and unexplained absences: Tuesday night, during play rehearsal, Satan's Familiar went missing! Nobody could find that damn dog. Half the children searched and screamed. When they finally located him a good hour later, he was holed up behind a tool shed with a leather backpack. Which he was eating.

Obvious intoxication: Later, S.F. hopped right up on the picnic table and helped himself to half a pound of organic Angel Corn Puffs. Ignoring the bowl of baby carrots, he washed down his treat with the dip for said, carrots, a big bowl of Annie's Cowgirl Ranch dressing. He spent the rest of the evening in visible pain.

Lying and Stealing: Just this morning, Satan's Familiar practiced his Olympian high jump skills and vaulted himself onto a kitchen chair, so that he could eat Stryker's bacon and cereal in comfort. The Matron understood how codependent and complicit her family had become. Merrick ate alongside the dog and just patted him on the head. As for lying? Satan's Familiar can feign sweet innocence like nobody's business.


Decreased performance: For the second time this week, the Matron had to return home halfway through her run to deposit Satan's Familiar in the backyard because diarrhea rendered him too weak to continue (and the Matron ready to toss the dog over the cliff, cleaning up that goo). This time, she was even forced to carry the sorry creature home because his droopy old stuffed junk food eating disordered self was incapable of walking as fast as the Matron, let alone, run. And that also annoyed her.

Deteriorating family relationship: See above.

On the Wrong Side of the Law:



Of course, the Matronly photograph skills render this impossible to read but that USPS? Stands for United States Postal Service. Yes, Satan's Familiar received a SECOND notice from the U.S. government, chronicling his missteps. This one says something like this: "Dog pulled outgoing letters from slot. Only got 1 of 3."

God, grant her the courage to change the things she can.

12 comments:

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

The next time my husband makes sad puppy eyes because of our dogless state, I'm going to saddle him with every SF story I can muster, compliments of MM.

(Um, not mamamilton, um you.)

You are a saint, you know that don't you?

Allmycke said...

If that was my dog he would have been made into winter gloves - a long time ago! Mine is stupid, happy-stupid most of the time but he does his business in the right place, doesn't steal (well, not ALL the time)and only tries to herd the cat around sometimes.
I feel for you, though!

smalltownme said...

I'm a cat person.

Heather said...

He's laughing at you right now, isn't he?

Madge said...

that dog is killing me. ok, he's killing you and just making me laugh. where did you get him. maybe i don't want to know that....

Mrs. G. said...

I think you should submit this to Bark magazine.

Karen Jensen said...

Poor SF. Nobody understands him. Do you think there is a twelve step program for food addicted canines? I have a poop-eating labrador retriever who could use a meeting.

Anonymous said...

I think SF is related to Gilby. Let me know when You work out a solution, because right now, my solutions involve lots of violence.

Julie said...

Sounds like SF needs an intervention!

Lynda said...

I can't tell you how much I love SF's adventures... I am SO glad I don't have to deal with them, but I sure enjoy reading them!

JessTrev said...

Well, thank my lucky stars I am wading through my google reader cause I gained a year of life just reading this one. And I realize that Prof J has the labrador that beats mine. Yeesh.

Jenny Nymoen said...

I'm months behind on my blog reading. Imagine my surprise at finding that this dog is still alive!