Friday, September 25, 2009

What Fell Friday

It's that time of the week!

Time to update the Matronly tradition of What Fell Friday,wherein she chronicles the journeys of three items that happened to fall upon the floor. The Matron-- prone to tidiness ACCIDENTALLY cleaned the first item, a piece of paper.

But that damn coke can is still in the living room. The Matron even put a cookie next to it, tempting Merrick. Satan's Familiar ate that instead.

How can an empty soda can go unnoticed in the LIVING ROOM for over two weeks?! Someone walks by that can every 20 minutes. And the barrette, below? Secure. Sitting tight.

Please note the dangers this barrette holds. If you step on it, you will be impaled. So her whole family is carefully WALKING AROUND the barrette rather than picking it up.

You would think that if her husband were reading the blog, he would stoop down and sweep these items up? John: are you toying with your dear Matron, knowing all along that she's NOT really having an affair with a pickle salesman and having no intention of moving these items because this means one day of less time of wifely blogging?

Speaking of John, his reaction to Stryker's hugely swollen jaw was to take note: son has hugely swollen jaw. The Matron's reaction was to call the emergency after hour dental clinic, which is where they are now headed.

That damn rapid palate expander has gouged a quarter inch hole in her child's cheek! Off to the ER of all things dentistry before ever convenient round of rehearsal driving that ends at ten o:clock -- just in time to hop in bed because she teaches a THREE HOUR writing class at nine in the morning.

Heaven help her.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Because She is Not Allowed to Blog About Stryker

That's right. The eldest put a firm foot down on his own life writ large for others. The Matron explained to him that because she is currently working on a book of essays about HER FAMILY (of which he is a vocal part) that she cannot make that blanket promise. For better or worse, he was born to a writer. Honest to God-Oprah-Buddha-Allah-Universe, she cannot help herself. But she's aiming for more discretion.

And if you know her son in real life, let's just keep this between us, okay?

The disadvantage of having a very smart child is that he can do research online regarding Major Parental Health and Well-being Decisions.

Stryker: "MOM! Did you know there are viable alternatives to the Rapid Palatable Expander AKA Torture Device currently attempting to kill me inside of my own mouth!" With that, he handed the Matron FOUR peer-reviewed academic studies presenting alternate expanding methods to the RPE; three of those studies dismissed the RPE as the lazy dentist's cheap fallback.

For the record, Stryker is going to the University of Minnesota Dental Clinic. Can you say best practices? Training the future?

Still. The Matron has those papers for further late night reading. While her poor guy wastes away in front of her, unable to do more than slurp down gogurt.

On the other front? Scarlett's agency called to say that she's in the running for the iCarly commerical; they're still narrowing down to that magic constellation of 11 and 12 year old girls.

And Merrick still can't read.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Today, Scarlett had a callback for a commercial involving some sort of video game. The Matron wasn't aware of the particulars, all she knew was her role: driving. She was to deliver The Talent to the casting director's door at 3:10. The job was one day and paid $2,400.

Can you spell college?

Because Scarlett and a good friend, Tessa, had a dance lesson immediately following the audition in a nearby locale, Tessa came along for the fun and Parental Convenience.

Van ride to audition.

Scarlett: "Tessie? Can you tell I wore these clothes for the past two days?"

Tessa: "Not really except for the spaghetti sauce on your pants. But it blends."

Scarlett: "My pants are green."

Tessa: "Blends into a new color, I mean."

Scarlett: "Oh well. And my hair is all sweaty from gym, too."

Now, the Matron will forgive you for thinking she dramatizes her decidedly low-key non-stage mother stance. Remember that kid in high school? The one who wailed: "OMIGOD I never studied I am going to FAIL this TEST" only to routinely get the best score in the class? The Matron knows PLENTY of stage parents who bemoan the genre generally -- who swear they are NOT like that!! People who make fun of the Mom combing her daughter's hair and double-checking the head shot --- only to do the EXACT SAME THING.

This another type of Stage Parent. Also not the Matron. The Matron is FULLY ENGAGED with the stage thing, but in an entirely different self-serving blogging sort of way. Scarlett can have therapy for that, too.

So Scarlett shows up for today's callback in stained clothing and sweaty hair. They wander up to the third floor casting office to find 15 other girls (18 out of 190 called for callbacks) in FULL PROSTITUTION HAIR, CLOTHES AND MAKE UP.

The Matron was genuinely aghast. Shocked. The audition called for tweens 11-12, rec room style. These girls had tightly curled hair, lipstick, mascara, blush. They were universally wearing mini-skirts and vests. Their mothers ? Please help her. All had some kind of leopard print on their person and more make-up and hair bleach than the Matron has had in her lifetime possession. They sat anxiously clutching purses and wearing "LOOK AT ME" faces.

For the record, the Matron was wearing a Snoopy t-shirt and jeans. With kick-ass black boots. And she's SO not adverse to attention (of anther sort).

As she was stumbling to orient herself, the Matron whispered to Scarlett: "What is this a commercial for?"

Scarlett: "I Carly"

The Matron immediately googled and this is what she found!!! Amidst a room full of Carlys.

Mothers combed hair. Straightened clothing. Fussed over shoes. Those girls were prepackaged fully-made up, air-dried and blown works of art. They could barely blink for all that mascara.

While Scarlett tried to wipe off her spaghetti stains.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Paper, Paper, Read All About It! Morning Edition

That's right. All the Matron has in her tonight are the headlines.

Paper, Paper, Read All About It! Stage Mother Snaps on Freeway and Abandons Car and Child! World Record for Audition and Commercials, Set!

Paper, Paper, Read All About it! Thirteen Year Olds Are Picture of Misery the Day Rapid Palatable Expanders are Installed!


Paper, Paper, Read All About It! World's Earliest High School Drop Out: Child Quits School at Six!!

Do other six year olds call homework "the devil's hand?"

Paper, Paper, Read All About it! Swine Flu Strikes Annie! Orphans Dropping Like Flies!

This - headlines from a typical Matronly Tuesday.