Thursday, April 22, 2010

One Bad Thing After Another

The Matron really cannot always blog about her children and their lives because, well, the operative word is 'their.' Their lives, not hers.

But she will just say this: her poor little family is battling one major disappointment after another. Boom! One kid hit. Boom, crash, bang. Same kid hit more. Ping! Another kid hit. A third bites the dust with his/her own disappointment (and trust her, some of these are BIG) too.

Sigh. . . . what do you do, parents?

She's already dreading college and the Ivy League applications and, most likely, rejection letters.

Send her good juju, folks. Those creative juices are residing somewhere in the Bahamas, too. She is trying to buy a plane ticket for their return but no luck. Maybe all that volcanic ash in Iceland somehow floated into and clogged her own operating systems. . . .

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Memory Lane

The Matron's creative juices are more or less visiting the Bahamas.

So she's traipsing through the past for material.

When the Matron and her husband moved the crew into their current home, they were in love with the neighborhood -- a gem nestled above the city with a vast regional parks and (from her window!) a panoramic view of the entire city. All the houses were tidy and well-maintained and neighbors included golf pros, newspaper reporters, free-lance theater professionals, the Assistant Attorney General and other interesting ilk.

Except for the house next door.

This particular property was populated by people who seemed to hold no real jobs but held guns. Not that the Matron is fundamentally against guns (okay, she is) but should any 12 year old have a hand-gun in his pant's pocket? Let's just say that's not a rhetorical question.

The house was -- is -- owned by a single mother (call her J) with two adult sons. The problem was her boyfriend who brought with him two teenage boys from a previous relationship. The boyfriend, we'll call him K, was a big believer in all things dangerous. Not only did he carry a gun (and his kids did) but he had a 15 foot boa constrictor in the living room. NOT KIDDING.

Stryker: "Mom, can I go next door and pet the snake?"

Stryker: "Mom, can I just HOLD that gun?"

Stryker: "Mom, can I go with K on his motorcycle?"

Stryker: "Mom, do you like K's tattoo?"

To make the situation more interesting -- not that living next door to a life-threatening reptile and an ammunition factory wasn't fun enough -- the boyfriend fought with everyone all the time: his sons, the girlfriend, the neighbors. J was also a player at that table. Therefore, the Matron will forever be grateful to this household for introducing her to the term "small dick bitch" which is what you call your boyfriend at 3 am after a case of beer.

Now, the Matron is a good Buddhist and has been trying to disengage and not judge for many years. She worked hard to be friends with her neighbors, even while searching the internet for child-size bullet proof vests.

Still -- this very event occurred.

One day a large truck showed up. Turns out K was leaving.

Matron: "Really? You're breaking up?"

K: "Swear to Satan. I am f$%% going to Afghanistan and shoot something."

Matron: "With your children?"

K: "They're armed and ready to roll."

Yes, yes, she's prone to hyperbole. But it was that bad.

So when the truck left -- and the gun-wielding men packed up their rats (did she mention that?) and snake, and the block became suddenly silent -- she walked into her kitchen and fell to her knees.


Matron: "I believe in Jesus! Thank you Lord!!!"

Stryker: "Does this mean we have to go to church now?"

No honey.. . . . but you won't get squished by a 15 foot seventy-pound snake or shot in the neck, either.

Monday, April 19, 2010

More on the High End Offspring She's Raising

In the van. . .

Stryker: "I want to go to MIT or Harvard."

Matron: "Great!"

Scarlett "I would make a better Helen Keller on Broadway. Plus, I plan to win an Oscar."

Matron: "Great."

Remember, she's also navigating that whole traffic thing. 'Great' is a generous offering.

Merrick: "I don't ever want to be the Pwesident when I gwow up. OW a big business guy. That's way too much wowk. "


Merrick: " I think I would be a good janitow or gawbage twuck dwiver. Ow maybe I can hold a sign somewhewe."

You go, guy! The Matron is newly fond of manual labor.